I'm BAAAAACK!

Hey, readers! Guess what, I'm back! 

If you're friends with me IRL, you probably know why I was gone. I met someone (online) who I thought was worth my time, but it turns out that I was wrong. He shall be named Mr. Dipshit. At least I discovered that before I wasted too much time on him. Bygones.

Sooo... I have started to ease my way back into the online dating pool. I *thought* I didn't have much to share with you yet... but I was mistaken!!

Somewhere along the line I added message filters on OkStupid. If someone sends me a message and it doesn't match my preferences (age, distance, blah blah blah), it goes into a filtered messages folder. I usually use the OkStupid app on my phone, where I can't even access any of the filtered messages. I had no idea they were there all this time. But lo and behold, I recently logged on to the website and there were 118 filtered messages. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN WEIRDOS. A treasure trove of stupidity... instant blog fodder!

See for yourself... this is just a sampling. I have a hangover and I'm tired of taking screenshots. Ha. 

Ain't no Sunshine when she's gone. Buh-bye.

Thanks for caring about a woman you've never met, 
Donald (and never will). I, however, give zero f*cks!

I'll give you my thoughts for free. NO THANKS, DAD.

He wins the prize for most flattering adjectives 
in one run-on sentence (sans punctuation).

Huh? I didn't visit your profile, loser!

Thanks for the compliments, Henry, 
but this kitty got claws. MEOW-CH.

Mr. Can't Follow Directions (multiple offenders)

Ok, so I'm pretty selective when it comes to responding to messages I receive online. 

I make it easy for guys- or so I think. I flat out tell them a) what I'm looking for and b) what will get a response. 

See? 

Pretty self-explanatory, right? It's obvious that I prefer a certain demographic (28 is pushing it, I admit). 

I know online dating can be pretty superficial but come on, if you're trying to impress a woman, don't just comment on her looks. And for the love of gods, use some punctuation and spell check. I have a graduate degree. It's obvious that I am well-read and well-spoken. WHY would you send me a run-on sentence to try to pique my interest? Or a "hi"? Or a stupid, lame-ass question? You obviously want to fail.

This is just a small sampling of messages I've gotten on a couple of sites within the past few months, none of which I've responded to. Enjoy. (UGH.) 

BYE!!!!

It's quite brisk, thanks for asking. Or did you ask? I didn't see a question mark in there.

 Yes, I know. And I'm even better in person- not that you'll ever get to see. 

If I could grade this guy lower than an F, I would. I can't even.

 Apparently I should have specified that a 'Hi' in Spanish doesn't count either. 

What brings me to a dating site? First, it's a DATING SITE. What do you think I'm here for, to pick out some shoes?? And second, I already explicitly stated what I'm looking for. No response for you, stupid. 

 I'm also 'to' unimpressed to write back. NEXT!!! 

Tonight I'm making fun of you on my blog. Sorry!!! 

 Again. NO. 

 What's wrong? Did you not read my Tips & Tricks section?? Plus, the only picture of you in your profile is your old ass car. I'm sure that's a real panty dropper, pal. 

 I'm sorry, buddy, this MILF isn't interested. Point your hose elsewhere.

 I am NOT your Babe. I do live the bombshell look, but only on Thursdays and Sundays. And I have been playing my sport long enough to kick your ass to the curb. 

What the what? Is that supposed to read 'Indeed'? Even if so, it STILL wouldn't be grammatically correct. Also, his tagline? What the eff does that even mean?!? 

UGH. There is maybe one good message for every ten of these losers, if that. I do not like my chances.

Mr. Penis Envy

Oops, I've been yelled at again for not entertaining you all in a timely fashion. I'm sorry, people! I've been really really busy at work. But I LOVE that I have gained a loyal following. I'm glad to have the dubious honor of shocking and amusing you at my expense. Let's get this shit viral already... it's that good.

Fret not, though, because I have quite a specimen for you to gawk at. Behold... Mr. Penis Envy.

The backstory: He's a few years younger than me, pretty successful, met on Tinder. By now, I've given up on meeting my soulmate on that app. Most are out to get laid, and this one was no exception. It's good for dates when I have nothing better to do. Well, this one never made it past the first (and last) date, although he continued to text me for quite some time. I responded for a while because I wanted to see how weird he could get. Well, it got pretty freaking weird, and YOU get to see it! (It's your lucky day!)

For any guys reading, here's how to NOT 
get a second date with a woman:

 1. Arrive an hour late to your first date.

2. Repeatedly ask about other dates she has gone on.

3. Repeatedly ask about men she has been with.

4. Text her at all hours of the night.

5. Text repeatedly when she does not answer said texts.

6. Call her MOM (since she's a few years your senior). Oh yes, he did. 

7. Request repeatedly that she discipline you.

THIS is how our conversation started once I gave him my number... 

Now I know I'm gonna get, "Aren't you just egging him on?" Yes, yes I am. I know he's not my soulmate. It's FUN. For the record, he didn't show me right then, but he did later on. And he is indeed younger, but not hung. Seriously? Why ask about being hung if you're NOT? This is not a good selling point. Brag about a good job. A nice car. Divert attention from your average-ness in other areas. 

Anywho.We went out, and it wasn't a half-bad date, besides his lateness. He continued to text me afterwards, and the texts just got weirder and weirder and weirder. Exhibit #1:

WTF?? Oh yes, I'm answering texts while I'm getting off with a) some battery-operated device or b) another man. I mean, I am a good multi-tasker... I bet I could totally do that. I'll file that away for the next time someone's not really doing it for me.
 
A few days later... he asked how I was. The normal-nice-guy act didn't last very long. 

 

Seriously?? Lol. 

Apparently he thought he'd continue with the romantic conversation...

I mean, even if I was off screwing an Adonis with a huge appendage instead of saving the world, it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. But it gets weirder than merely being nosy. Read on if you dare.

Enter (TOTALLY FAKE AND CONTRIVED) scene: A group of 30-something women drinking mimosas at Sunday Brunch.

Woman #1: Ladies, I just have to brag, my son is in the 95th percentile for height, weight, and cock size! I am SUCH a lucky mother!! 

Woman #2: Oh wow. We should totally get him together with my Annie for a playdate. She'll be SO excited.

Woman #1: He definitely gets it from his dad... I mean, that's why I married him. Dude is hung like a gorilla. 

Woman #2: Really? I'm so jelly. All I seem to find is average-sized ones on Tinder. Maybe I could borrow him sometime?

End (TOTALLY FAKE AND CONTRIVED) scene.


If asking about other dicks wasn't weird enough for you, he's apparently also into corporal punishment. Again, I'm totally egging him on and being "weird" in return... guilty as charged. I'm totally screwing with him, not that he'd notice. Seems he likes to spice up his mornings with punishment talk...

 

K, good to know that I could chain him up in my basement and feed him dog food for dinner. But no sharing dog food with Rover! Uh uh, that's off limits.  

When I don't respond to the punishment conversation, he switches gears a little later: 

As if calling me Cutie would make me answer. LOL.

He tries another tactic: texting me in the wee hours of the morning, and then calling me MOM when I get pissed about it. 

You are totally NOT getting another date when you call me Mom. He switches tactics... he thinks, "Hmmm, maybe Mama might work? No? Ok, let's try the spanking thing again. Oh. She's not answering. Let me text her repeatedly after she already told me she was busy. I'll just call her by her real name!"

He gives up for the night... but not for long. Again, he tries to lead with the nice-guy act before the weirdo side kicks in....

OMG... he would NOT quit asking about other men. WTH? I have never met anyone else who is so preoccupied with how I'm doing with other (unfortunately nonexistent) men. Why don't you focus your energies on not being completely fucking weird?? That might actually get you somewhere. 

I'll just play stupid...

I had finally had enough of the weirdness... not to mention more than enough material to share with you... so when I said Goodbye, I really meant it. I should have said to leave me the eff alone already. He actually did leave me alone for almost two weeks... until he had to come out of his crypt on Halloween. I didn't answer. Thankfully he's left me alone since then!! 

Well. Was that enough entertainment for one post? I need a drink. :D

I'm back, readers! (Meet Mr. Ghost)

Boy, it's been awhile...three months since I've updated this blog. I apologize for my absence. I actually didn't realize people would MISS ME if I didn't post, but apparently I have a small but loyal following who have been wondering why I haven't blogged for so long.

So sorry, readers... my life has been cray cray and I haven't been dating much. However, just this week I got back on the old horse, so to speak, and I already have some new fodder for ya (yes, that quickly). And I probably have old stories hidden in my big ol' brain somewhere that are just waiting to be retold. So bear with me. I'll try to make it worth your while.

Today I need to tell you about a chap I'll refer to as Mr. Ghost. Do you know what ghosting is? If so, you know where this is headed. Ghosting is a term in the dating world that refers to someone who just up and disappears on you with no explanation. Poof. Gone. Finito.

(Oh, and on a side note, speaking of ghosters.... Mr. Wallet? Special K? HE'S A GHOSTER. I know, right? I liked that one. We had two nice dates, and I had no inkling that he'd be a fucking jerk who'd fall off the face of the Earth. But he did. UGH. His loss!)

I met Mr. Ghost through a dating app that rhymes with Kinder... perhaps you've heard of it. We only chatted for a day before he wanted to exchange phone numbers and meet in person. He was good looking enough and seemed nice, so I agreed to meet him for dinner.

I was pretty happy that we seemed to hit it off. We finished dinner, went to another place to have drinks after, and didn't want it to end there so we finally took a long walk outside. TOTES IRONICALLY, sometime during the date I brought up ghosting with Mr. Ghost, and how I was tired of guys doing it. He shared some sentiments which led me to believe he was on the same page with daters being superficial and flaky. It was a nice evening and boy, that dude can kiss (so underrated, in my book). He did tell me that he was recently out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to rush into anything. Sure, no prob, Bob... let's just see where it goes. Right?

I sent him a nice message when I got home (you can see how late I'd been out...definitely missed out on some beauty sleep that night). Readers, I give you Exhibit A. I'm in blue:

During our date, we had talked about plans for a future date, and he promised to show me his cooking skills. Yay, I LOVE a man who can cook! We texted off and on for the next few days. See Exhibit B, discussing when to get together again:

Ok, so unless I'm totally delusional, I thought I might hear from him later on that day about getting together again, as long as he got off of work. Right?? Wrong. I didn't hear from him that night, or the next day when I sent a friendly 'Hey you!' text message. That was a few days ago. I'm not desperate nor delusional, so I stopped trying... but I'm left thinking, "What. The. F."? Bam. GHOSTED. The nice/stalkerish thing about Kinder is that you can see when your matches were last online. Nope, Mr. Ghost hasn't been hit by a bus... or if he was, he's been Kindering in the ICU.

Ladies and gents, I don't get it. If you change your mind about being interested, just grow a set and SAY you're not interested. I actually had a second date this week after Mr. Ghost and I had gone out (this guy was also from Kinder), and while we had fun during our dinner, I didn't think the chemistry was there. We gave each other a hug after dinner and parted ways. And that guy was a gentleman. He respectfully told me the next day that he wasn't interested. Fantastic! Neither was I! I told him no problem, and good luck. No animosity at all... I really do wish him luck finding Ms. Right.

So, single guys, WTF? Seriously. As you can see above, some men are capable of using those cojones they were gifted/cursed with, and letting a woman unequivocally know how they feel. What is it about these men? Do they have a special gene? (I'd be a millionaire if I could find that shiz and clone it.) More estrogen? (They have pills for that.) Basic human decency and respect for self as well as others? Maybe these ghosters need to be served a slice of humble pie served with a side of bitchslap. I'd send that right out from the SingleGal kitchen... if only I knew where they disappeared to.

Le sigh.

Stay tuned, dear readers. I promise to not be gone for so long this time. I've gotta run now, though. I have a Saturday night date watching chick flicks on the couch with my friends Ben & Jerry. They never let me down.

XOXO,
SG

Mr. Universe

Holy crap... TWO blog posts in one day. Well, I'm pissed off at a guy who may or may not be fodder in the future (stay tuned). So this sort of makes me feel better.


Mr. Universe and I went on one date in April. Our second was going to be around Mother's Day and he mentioned he was going to get me a gift. Aww. I love gifts from men I've been on one date with...they usually know me SO WELL. Anyway, we had some miscommunication on date day about what was going to happen on the second date (I thought we were having dinner), and late afternoon he texted me and said he had already eaten. I told him to forget the date, I needed to go grab something to eat since we weren't going out.

So I get this.

You were going to give me what, exactly?? The literal and figurative symbolism KILLS ME.

What in the world (haha- get it?) am I going to do with a FUCKING GLASS GLOBE when I have two little ones running around? Oh yes, I'll just put it over here on this table within reach of my kids, so they can bash each other in the head with it. Fan-fucking-tastic.

But seriously, besides the safety considerations, it's tacky as hell! He told me that he has lots of this special brand of shit around his house. For instance, he has some Mexican juju dolls inside a lit glass display case. For reals. If Mr. Universe knew me at all, he'd know I do not keep that kind of shit in mi casa.

And the candle, how could I forget? I wonder if he's got a prayer bench somewhere that he could pull up to the candle and fucking mourn me the right way. I wouldn't doubt it. I hope it at least smells good. Maybe it's a Jesus candle. 'Cause he does obviously know me so well.


BUT WAIT! That's not the end of the story! Now some of you Facebook friends saw some of what's about to come because it was just so freaking amusing that I had to post it, even though I didn't have time to blog about it right then and there. Several weeks go by after the above screenshot, and I delete Mr. Universe's number. Well, I receive a mystery text late one night, and since I've gotten myself ass-deep in my graveyard of buried online dating prospects, I have no idea who the fuck it is...

Oooooh....twice burned by SingleGal, and he didn't like it one bit.

Imagine if I had the Jesus candle in my arsenal...

Dr. Scholl

*Disclaimer: credit for this chap's title goes to my friend S. Thanks, love.



The only online dating method I'm currently employing is Tinder. For those unfamiliar, it's an app, not a dating site. It finds matches based on your preferences and your CURRENT location. This is a good thing and a bad thing. For instance, I got matched up with someone who seemed like a good catch. He lives several states away...but just happened to be close enough last weekend that he showed up on my radar. (For the record, I met Mr. Wallet on Tinder).


I have been propositioned by several folks who were in town on business. Them: "Hey, how about you come to my hotel room?" Me: "No thanks, I'm washing my hair." I'm sorry, do I come across as THAT desperate and/or naive?

Anyway... this 'gentleman' was an out-of-towner who I got matched up with. He called me beautiful and said it was too bad he was leaving to go back home. But then he had a surprise for me.


Introducing...Dr. Scholl.

I should have added that I'm not really interested in foot worship. Seriously, how is that a THING?? Maybe I should have asked for extra fodder/entertainment...

Mr. Proposition (x3)

OK, so I've been getting complaints about a) the dearth of blog posts and b) the fact that some of my screenshots are missing.


I'll work on the latter really soon, I promise. It seems to be an issue of the screenshots somehow being moved from an album they need to be in.

For the former...a selection of messages from the archives. A collection of sexual propositions! They aren't recent, but I've been saving them for a rainy day. Enjoy.

Now, if I were only looking for a f*ck, this one doesn't seem too bad. Similar age, and actually uses complete sentences and proper grammar! Pretty sexy looking too- assuming that's his torso.

Funnily enough, he had already contacted me on a different site with the exact.same.message. Delete! (Well, save a screenshot to show all of you, THEN delete. Hehe.)

Now, I can't say that the others are/were as impressive: 

 Um, hold on for a sec while I try to mentally insert where periods and commas would be. Ok, I think got it now. Wow, you make a REALLY good case there, fella. I mean, a 19 year old is precisely what I'm looking for. I am fairly certain I could 'hadle' you. I mean, we do have a 69% match, after all...

And I forgot this part, but the 19 year old sent a similar message to The Temptress! I'll have to dig it up, but basically, he wants to be The Temptress' Prince Charming. I don't know how she resisted. 

Sheesh, at least this one uses punctuation, although his spelling is horrendous. Wait, what the what? I didn't realize that women in their mid 30's now fit the cougar/sugar mama demographic. I'm not sure if I'm ready to embrace that idea. Sigh.


There you have it, friends. I'll try to pull out some more stuff from the archives. Fodder has been a little scarce lately. ;)