Mr. Can't Follow Directions (multiple offenders)

Ok, so I'm pretty selective when it comes to responding to messages I receive online. 

I make it easy for guys- or so I think. I flat out tell them a) what I'm looking for and b) what will get a response. 

See? 

Pretty self-explanatory, right? It's obvious that I prefer a certain demographic (28 is pushing it, I admit). 

I know online dating can be pretty superficial but come on, if you're trying to impress a woman, don't just comment on her looks. And for the love of gods, use some punctuation and spell check. I have a graduate degree. It's obvious that I am well-read and well-spoken. WHY would you send me a run-on sentence to try to pique my interest? Or a "hi"? Or a stupid, lame-ass question? You obviously want to fail.

This is just a small sampling of messages I've gotten on a couple of sites within the past few months, none of which I've responded to. Enjoy. (UGH.) 

BYE!!!!

It's quite brisk, thanks for asking. Or did you ask? I didn't see a question mark in there.

 Yes, I know. And I'm even better in person- not that you'll ever get to see. 

If I could grade this guy lower than an F, I would. I can't even.

 Apparently I should have specified that a 'Hi' in Spanish doesn't count either. 

What brings me to a dating site? First, it's a DATING SITE. What do you think I'm here for, to pick out some shoes?? And second, I already explicitly stated what I'm looking for. No response for you, stupid. 

 I'm also 'to' unimpressed to write back. NEXT!!! 

Tonight I'm making fun of you on my blog. Sorry!!! 

 Again. NO. 

 What's wrong? Did you not read my Tips & Tricks section?? Plus, the only picture of you in your profile is your old ass car. I'm sure that's a real panty dropper, pal. 

 I'm sorry, buddy, this MILF isn't interested. Point your hose elsewhere.

 I am NOT your Babe. I do live the bombshell look, but only on Thursdays and Sundays. And I have been playing my sport long enough to kick your ass to the curb. 

What the what? Is that supposed to read 'Indeed'? Even if so, it STILL wouldn't be grammatically correct. Also, his tagline? What the eff does that even mean?!? 

UGH. There is maybe one good message for every ten of these losers, if that. I do not like my chances.

Mr. Penis Envy

Oops, I've been yelled at again for not entertaining you all in a timely fashion. I'm sorry, people! I've been really really busy at work. But I LOVE that I have gained a loyal following. I'm glad to have the dubious honor of shocking and amusing you at my expense. Let's get this shit viral already... it's that good.

Fret not, though, because I have quite a specimen for you to gawk at. Behold... Mr. Penis Envy.

The backstory: He's a few years younger than me, pretty successful, met on Tinder. By now, I've given up on meeting my soulmate on that app. Most are out to get laid, and this one was no exception. It's good for dates when I have nothing better to do. Well, this one never made it past the first (and last) date, although he continued to text me for quite some time. I responded for a while because I wanted to see how weird he could get. Well, it got pretty freaking weird, and YOU get to see it! (It's your lucky day!)

For any guys reading, here's how to NOT 
get a second date with a woman:

 1. Arrive an hour late to your first date.

2. Repeatedly ask about other dates she has gone on.

3. Repeatedly ask about men she has been with.

4. Text her at all hours of the night.

5. Text repeatedly when she does not answer said texts.

6. Call her MOM (since she's a few years your senior). Oh yes, he did. 

7. Request repeatedly that she discipline you.

THIS is how our conversation started once I gave him my number... 

Now I know I'm gonna get, "Aren't you just egging him on?" Yes, yes I am. I know he's not my soulmate. It's FUN. For the record, he didn't show me right then, but he did later on. And he is indeed younger, but not hung. Seriously? Why ask about being hung if you're NOT? This is not a good selling point. Brag about a good job. A nice car. Divert attention from your average-ness in other areas. 

Anywho.We went out, and it wasn't a half-bad date, besides his lateness. He continued to text me afterwards, and the texts just got weirder and weirder and weirder. Exhibit #1:

WTF?? Oh yes, I'm answering texts while I'm getting off with a) some battery-operated device or b) another man. I mean, I am a good multi-tasker... I bet I could totally do that. I'll file that away for the next time someone's not really doing it for me.
 
A few days later... he asked how I was. The normal-nice-guy act didn't last very long. 

 

Seriously?? Lol. 

Apparently he thought he'd continue with the romantic conversation...

I mean, even if I was off screwing an Adonis with a huge appendage instead of saving the world, it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. But it gets weirder than merely being nosy. Read on if you dare.

Enter (TOTALLY FAKE AND CONTRIVED) scene: A group of 30-something women drinking mimosas at Sunday Brunch.

Woman #1: Ladies, I just have to brag, my son is in the 95th percentile for height, weight, and cock size! I am SUCH a lucky mother!! 

Woman #2: Oh wow. We should totally get him together with my Annie for a playdate. She'll be SO excited.

Woman #1: He definitely gets it from his dad... I mean, that's why I married him. Dude is hung like a gorilla. 

Woman #2: Really? I'm so jelly. All I seem to find is average-sized ones on Tinder. Maybe I could borrow him sometime?

End (TOTALLY FAKE AND CONTRIVED) scene.


If asking about other dicks wasn't weird enough for you, he's apparently also into corporal punishment. Again, I'm totally egging him on and being "weird" in return... guilty as charged. I'm totally screwing with him, not that he'd notice. Seems he likes to spice up his mornings with punishment talk...

 

K, good to know that I could chain him up in my basement and feed him dog food for dinner. But no sharing dog food with Rover! Uh uh, that's off limits.  

When I don't respond to the punishment conversation, he switches gears a little later: 

As if calling me Cutie would make me answer. LOL.

He tries another tactic: texting me in the wee hours of the morning, and then calling me MOM when I get pissed about it. 

You are totally NOT getting another date when you call me Mom. He switches tactics... he thinks, "Hmmm, maybe Mama might work? No? Ok, let's try the spanking thing again. Oh. She's not answering. Let me text her repeatedly after she already told me she was busy. I'll just call her by her real name!"

He gives up for the night... but not for long. Again, he tries to lead with the nice-guy act before the weirdo side kicks in....

OMG... he would NOT quit asking about other men. WTH? I have never met anyone else who is so preoccupied with how I'm doing with other (unfortunately nonexistent) men. Why don't you focus your energies on not being completely fucking weird?? That might actually get you somewhere. 

I'll just play stupid...

I had finally had enough of the weirdness... not to mention more than enough material to share with you... so when I said Goodbye, I really meant it. I should have said to leave me the eff alone already. He actually did leave me alone for almost two weeks... until he had to come out of his crypt on Halloween. I didn't answer. Thankfully he's left me alone since then!! 

Well. Was that enough entertainment for one post? I need a drink. :D